Homeostasis, where the fuck is the world's liver

Here I am. Looking at my old drafts. Yes, this was a draft too, I opened it and it was empty, which is probably a metaphor for something but I'm too exhausted to care at this point. I am days away from finally getting a degree, a small degree, Associate in Arts, Emphasis in Psychology, but a degree none-the-less. I guess it's about time, at 37 I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. Obviously some of the responsibility is my own. I knew I had ADHD and it went untreated, though to be fair I was never diagnosed as a child. A couple of years ago I went to and got formally diagnosed, so I can now say I officially, have ADHD, I'm a certified, bona fide, weirdo. I was medicated for a short while, but then came the swarm of online psychiatry which flooded the market with brand new buyers for these meds so I was kind of priced out as I do not have insurance. At least I had a short time frame where I was medicated, it allowed me to change my perspective in some small ways and I have now, slightly better habits. Just enough that I was able to finally bulldoze through the last classes I needed to finish my degree. However, not all the blame is my own. Society (here we go), look I get it, but hear me out, society should be structured to allow the individual the ability to contribute  how they can to the whole. Yet it is not. So many individuals simply cannot go through the normal academic path for one reason or another, does this mean all they have to offer is their body? They get to go in the meat grinder regardless of what their mind is capable off simply because they are not able to live with the same structure as everyone else? This is such a monumental waste. As I stated, I do take my share of the responsibility for my own outcomes, but this is not an interpersonal issue, this is a systemic one. Telling every individual how to better their life, even if we could, is not a solution. The problem started with the systems, and it can only end with those systems. We have to do better, we have to. As much as we pretend the world is not a zero sum game, it is. It is a zero sum game in the long run, there is only so much of everything, and sure, we may still have double the resources we ever used... but that's only a single doubling time or two. We cannot continue wasting so much human potential and consuming just to consume. Humanity isn't a virus, our institutions are, our paradigm is. Infinite growth? That's tumor logic. We can't act like a cancer and expect anything other than the outcomes of cancer, which is either a dead host or our complete removal. We have to be like the healthy cells, understanding we have our time, and then it goes and it's somebody else's time, and it's only fair to leave the world at the very least how we found it, if not better so they can have their time in peace. We cannot keep wasting this much human potential. We are only 1 or 2 minutes from midnight, and there is no second bottle for the bacteria to grow in.

Is that all there is to writing? Is that all there is?

     Sitting here at 3:00 am the night after thanksgiving battling between beginning a career in writing and watching a Predator bootleg, I have to wonder, “Is this really what I want to do?” Because so far this seems much more depressing than elegant. This can’t be it can it? Eating reheated 2 day old pizza (the night after Thanksgiving, shows you just how depressing) while searching online how to begin a career in writing with no experience or degree? No of course not! If I already had a career in writing why on earth would I be looking up how to start a career in writing? Oh how naïve I was 4 minutes ago. Of course this is the life! Unless you write an award winning novel that gets turned into a movie or show this is probably it, and for some of us, even if we do, this is probably still it, simply on a grander scale. Take one look at George R.R. Martin and tell me he didn’t recently have a night just like this reheating 2 day old pizza, I dare you.
   
     The solitude isn’t a huge problem, honestly it’s really one of the best parts. Crunching keyboards in a room full of other people doesn’t sound too romantic. It’s the allure of being the lone writer with great ideas that attracts most of us isn’t it? A night alone with a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) after spending the day running errands and socializing in the real world. Zoom the camera out past the bushes in front of the window to a shadowy mysterious figure watching our protagonist! Oh no I’ve already seen this one and this doesn’t go well!
   
     Yeah, I have ADHD too. I think when you purchase a writer that is the transmission kit that comes stock. It really is like driving a car and someone else having control of your shifter. Press on the gas all you want someone else just put it in park. Sometimes he puts it on drive, so you let go of the break to see if it really is on drive and as you feel the idle speed you feel hopeful. So now you start pressing on the gas slowly and you start to smile. You put the windows down and start feeling more comfortable you get up on the highway and now you’re feeling more than just comfortable. You’re at peak confidence, “Finally!” you think to yourself, “I can finally get on with my life and everything is going my way!” and then you blink. At first you may not even realize anything has changed you’re fiddling with the stereo or ac. You look in the center console for your sunglasses and you put them on and you look up and that’s when you realize; you’re in reverse now, and maybe you are still on the highway but this definitely wasn’t the way you were going.
 
      Is this the life of a writer? Yeah probably. It’s just a hobby right now from a wannabe writer but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a day in the life of most writers. When you’re not searching how to break in and trying to watch Predator, you’re searching how to break out and trying to binge some Netflix show, or how to get rid of writer’s block and trying to find something to watch that might also get rid of your writer’s block.
   
     So if it’s not as elegant as I thought it would be why do I continue on? Honestly, because we all want to think it’ll all be better once “x” is met don’t we? Oh well, maybe this will get published and it’ll all be better.

P.S. No hard feelings G.R.R. you’re the best right now and definitely my favorite living author, well, you and David Thorne for some reason.

P.S.S. If you're wondering about the title I had that song stuck in my head and just made sense.

The greatest mysticism

     It was at a very early age that I realized magic as it is in movies and TV isn't real.  To many this seems like a sad thought.  Many parents want to keep the magic alive for their children which is why so many believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. They pass down their chosen mythology and superstitions and talk to them about hauntings, ghosts, and mysticism many times to their later years as they themselves still believe in the latter of these.  Of course for me this was not a sad thought, it was not an end to my childhood.  It made the world much bigger, it gave the world infinite potential for I realized that though magic as it is seen in fantasy isn't real, this world has it's own magic.  I learned if I wanted to get my way instead of enchanting someone with magic or using telepathy, I could do so with tact, and psychology.  I learned that the gateway to an empath in this realm isn't through some mystic force, but through the arts, which implant emotions into others.  I learned that the equivalent of studying the arcane to unravel the secrets of the world is mathematics and science.  I learned that in order to manipulate this world like the geomancers we use scientists and engineers.  I learned white magic comes in the form of doctors and nurses, and blue magic in the form of schools from which you can get any degree desired. I learned physics explains the world in it's most minuscule and in it's greatest form.  I learned a measure of future sight can be gained through logic, reason, and recognizing patterns.  I learned how to think, how to solve puzzles how to analyze.

     This world in this age can seem small, but it is as big as it has ever been.  Do not let your children lose the magic, ever, instead teach them of the real magic. Once they see it, once they understand how magical it really is, they will understand to simply live is full of potential and wonder.